I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
