officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
