I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
