Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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