can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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