I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
