Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
