Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Randomize
