You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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