How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
