We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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