Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
