i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
