I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
