he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
