I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
