I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
