I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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