my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
