he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
