He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
