My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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