pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
