When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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