I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
