You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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