i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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