he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I want a musical about memes.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
