Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
