I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
