Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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