Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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