I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize