i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
