I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
