i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
