she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
