You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
