i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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