I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
