you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
