mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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