Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
