hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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