You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
