last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
