Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
