how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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