Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
