did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
