just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
