Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Randomize
