It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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