i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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