I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
